Right Now I Sounded Like I Was Really Bent

 This post is a little bit emo, but I wrote it in my vulnerable state when I had an ear infection, no money for medicine and no family to help look after me. I got over it eventually, once I had a cup of concrete, but not before I wrote some pretty lame things.

Queenstown makes me feel refreshingly alive. Cliché no doubt, but finding my feet here has brought on a tumultuous whirlwind of emotions that give me the feeling of being reborn. It has to do with being outside of my comfort zone I believe. The initial isolation of being in a different city, away from all my great friends and family, meant that it was up to me to provide motivation instead of receiving it. My excellent friends in Townsville were such a fantastic motivation that I grew lazy and rarely did anything of my own accord. I would simply stand on the shoulders of giants and coast along. Any problems I had at all I could discuss with one of the best big brothers a white boy could ask for, or the most supportive parents a reckless, indecisive and adventure hungry son ever had. Here I feel alive simply because I have everything to do myself, and it’s liberating. My mistakes are my own, and I have to deal with them mostly by myself. I have made some great new friends here, who are excellent to have around me so that I’m not entirely helpless. There is a lot to learn, and for some reason being at home the world felt so comfortable and cosy it was easy to forget the rest of the world that is out there. The cultural complexities of different races were somehow lost on me in Townsville but here they intrigue and inspire me.  Despite this I miss home. Sometimes so much that it hurts a little and this startles me. I’ll get a sudden urge to just fly home and go back to coasting, where no one really relied on me. Somewhere I could just float in my life that felt as if it had no real meaning. In Townsville I was just another retail employee unsure of what to do with his career, no girlfriend, no permanent home, no cool traits, no exceptional looks and no astonishing talents. The epitome of mediocrity. In Queenstown I still have no career path, but that doesn’t seem to matter here. I’m the Aussie from over the ditch reaping the rewards of New Zealand’s beautiful mountains, who hits the slopes almost as hard as he hits the bottle. Someone who is crazy enough to agree to beers any time and gullible enough to buy them. Here I feel like I’m different, I’m not just someone coasting along in retail on an impressive enough wage (compared to the rest of the world), I am an outsider. Townsville was such a bubble for me that I would think about how many people there were in the world but not truly understand, simply because I would rarely meet different people. Meeting new friends over here has totally reformed my conceptualisation on all matters, and although I appreciate the people over here it has made me fully appreciate the group I had at home and what they would so willingly do for me without hesitation.

I know this is bizarre but I feel like in Townsville I had no real emotions, I was too comfortable amongst awesome friends and wonderful family. This is probably just the memory playing tricks on the mind but I had nothing to feel overly emotional about. My days were the same and each week was like the last except for that it was closer to the end of a repetitive year.  All I would ever do is appreciate how lucky I was, with the unremitting love of my parents, a friend I could discuss anything with or rely on for anything. Here is different. I am still lucky in that I have the opportunity to experience a different culture. Here there is a new surprise to be had each day, around every corner a new smiling face from a new fantastic place. Here, being out of my comfort zone, my jealousy is sharper, my laughter is louder. My disappointment is deeper and my satisfaction is tenfold. I notice more around me instead of simply walking along consumed solely in an empty mind state.  The trees here snare my attention, as no tree at home had done since I was a kid. The sky makes for an exceptional recreation; I could merely stare at the horizon for hours with my ipod on if I had the time. I miss home like I used to miss my mum when I was dropped at preschool. I have not missed anything like this for a very long time, and although it’s a queasy feeling I quite like it. I feel like I’m becoming a kid again, ruled by my emotions as they are ignited by things that should be trivial. The breeze here actually has a cool bite, and it makes me smile when it swirls through my jackets and causes me to shiver. The air is so cold and crisp that I sometimes get the urge to just laugh out loud in joy. Fires crackle and provide a fierce heat in combat to the cold nights. Two extremes that make my mind wander. Fires that keep you warm are so much more interesting to me than air conditioners that keep you cool. The way the flames dance is mesmerising. The views are breathtaking, and I often just stop and look in order to get my fix of the emotions the mountains and lakes can stir. Smoke rises from chimneys, someone walks past with a snowboard. Ah snowboards. I love taking out my tools and changing the setup of my board, inspecting the scratches on it and planning the rails that might result in new ones. Nailing a board slide on the down box makes my heart swell as if Christmas was coming and I was six once more. If I shred down the Remarks Park without falling over in a perfect run, mixing up grabs, board slides, tail presses and 5-O’s I get home with a smile on my face that should really split my head in two. The nights after a good day on the slopes I could just sleep forever in an avalanche of contentment, warm beneath a blanket. And I love the blankets here! They actually serve a purpose, I find it hard to leave mine in the morning and it’s as if I was sleeping in on Sunday and mum was asking me to go to Church when I was young. And you get so cold when you’re young, even if it isn’t cold.

Pretty much, despite missing my best friend, my mum and dad, brothers and all my friends and family, I feel as if I am young again in Queenstown. I could not be happier.